It was a year of stretching and struggle like I have never experienced in my life. My eldest brother and I were estranged for a majority of the year.
We’ve had a complicated dynamic our whole lives going from codependent to strained to a non-relationship to frustration, anger and disappointment. Despite my best efforts to suppress all my hurt, the pain was overwhelming me.
I was chatting with Pastor Paul one day and he asked me, “Have you forgiven your brother?” and I swiftly answered, “Oh no, he hasn’t asked me for forgiveness.” It took me a minute, but I felt like a total fool.
Which leads me to CrossWay’s first core value of Scripture guidance. Through a step-by-step process, God was revealing Himself to me through His Word.
The first step was a Scripture passage from the book of Acts, about Paul and Barnabas not going ahead of the Holy Spirit. I felt the Spirit prompting me to rebuild my relationship with my brother, but instead of waiting on the Spirit, I let my pride and “do gooder” arrogance take control of me.
Then after what I felt like was disappointment in my brother, I ultimately had to admit to myself I was more hurt than disappointed. In the next step, the book of Hosea showed me that I was trying to cover up all the pain with distractions and substitutes. I felt vulnerable and unsure of myself.
God is a jealous God. He loves me so much that even though I run from Him, He will come after me with ferocity.
There has never been a time that I claimed scriptural promises for my life because I have never been close enough or confident enough in the Word, until now.
Hosea 2:18-20- “and I will abolish the bow, the sword and the war from the land, and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know The Lord.”
The first sign of a scripture-guided life is Christ-centeredness. Although I have already struggled to make this true for me, I know that my life is no longer about me and my agenda, but rather obedience and faithfulness to Christ and His plan for me.
God provided an opportunity to see my brother this past fall. Through God’s outpouring of grace for me, I was drawn to repentance and forgiveness of my brother.
God’s Word is so good to me.
by Jenny Kim